One common aspect of depression is that sufferers tend to adopt and accept the blame for things that they are not responsible for.  This manner of thinking can become ingrained to the point that it is called neurotic guilt.  It may have several causes, but ultimately is rooted in a sense of failure carried by the sufferer.

I am sorry that I have not blogged recently.  No, I’m not.  I have set a goal for myself to write at least two blogs per week, which is a reasonable goal.  No, it’s not a reasonable goal for me, because once I have set it, the goal becomes a law that I must obey or violate.  When I violate it, I feel guilty, regardless of the reason for the failure.  So my expectations are self-imposed and do not take into account various factors that may interfere.  And I am learning not to impose guilt on myself when it is a result of my own unreasonable expectations or outside interference, but I’m not doing very well in overcoming this wrong thinking.  Sorry.

Five weeks ago I woke up with a pinched nerve in my back, which prevented me from moving freely or even standing for more that a minute or two.  Despite 3 series of oral steroids and a nerve-block shot (epidural), the pain is still only slightly less and is only controlled by vicodin around the clock.  In the meantime, I have not been able to spend time at the library (my primary writing spot) and even find it counterproductive to try to sit at my desk and work.  Darlene had signed us up for a cruise and I refused to let her down, so we rented a wheelchair, bought a walking stick, and had a very nice time.

Needless to say, I have not been able to blog for a while, and it might be a while before I can do it again regularly.  To those of you who have come to expect something from me, I’m sorry.  But my inability to write without pain is not my fault, so I’m not sorry.  I’m not going to set a goal for when I can return to this forum, but with your prayers and my doctor’s help I trust that it will be soon.  Until then, I will miss you, Gentle Readers, but I refuse to feel guilty about it.  (At least I will try not to feel guilty.)  

Yours in Christ,

RD Bowker

Pinterest